Into the Flood Again...

10 Things that ruin good porn:

1. Dirty feet
2. Ponytails
3. Tan lines
4. “roast beef curtains”
5. Acrylic nails
6. Lip gloss
7. Boas
8. “moan tracks”
9. Sores and bruises
10. Partial penetration

What is it with guys not giving oral to girls!? You have no idea how many girls come to me and tell me they’ve been sexually active for several years and have yet to receive oral from any guy.

Poor things! I wish I could just take you all in and take care of you like lil orphans. My doors are always open. :3

1. DO NOT choose between two best friends after you’ve already expressed interest in both.

2. DO NOT get involved with one of the two, then move onto the other.

3. DO NOT suggest that the one you chose second agree to a threesome with the one you chose before him.

4. DO NOT ignore your boyfriend/girlfriend when they say that you are not over the first choice that you promised to let go of.

5. DO NOT juggle both of these people in your heart in secret. Or misrepresent your feelings to either.

6. DO NOT allow the former choice to expose their nakedness to you, especially in front of the latter choice.

7. NEVER condone the nakedness of the former, should they chose to reveal their nakedness to you. 

8. NEVER show affection towards the former choice, especially in front of the latter choice.

9. NEVER spend time alone with the former at the expense of the latter’s trust in you.

10. If you’ve failed to follow steps 1-9, then DO NOT be surprised when you find yourself fucking the person who came before the person you’re with. 

11. DO NOT keep your cheating a secret for any extended length of time. The longer you wait to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend, the longer your boyfriend/girlfriend will be aware that you are able to deceptively appear innocent. 

11. NEVER, EVER beg to be forgiven for cheating, if you’re not prepared to be treated like a cheater until you’ve proven yourself trustworthy again. 

12. If you’ve failed to follow all of these steps, DO NOT be surprised that your boyfriend/girlfriend has been secretly looking for your replacement since step 3. He/She is justified.

13. And lastly, YES you are now considered a SLUT. 

I know all of you have no problem putting into words what each decade was all about, but what can you say about your own? Have you put any thought into what your generation stands for? Or simply what’s wrong in the world? I may see it differently than you, or maybe you’ll feel the same way as I do.

For example; the 50s was about family values and television reflecting every one of them, the 60s was about finding yourself and standing up for yourself, even if all you wanted to be was free to be a bum. The 70s was about bringing back the values, but with the cool new vibe that the 60s spawned. The 80s was about the future, and embracing indulgence. Being truly different until we all looked the same. The 90s was about calming down and looking back on the past with novelty and wishing our lives weren’t so PG-13. The new millennium was a big bang for ideas and people were no longer afraid of change, conflict, or law. And now, I think we’re in a decade that honors and appreciates every lesson we’ve learned in the past 60 years and beyond. We’re the decade that isn’t trying to move forward, but perfect the past. To hold onto the things that made us who we are; our childhoods, our parents’ childhoods, and those of our own children as well. Face it, we’re all fucking hipsters. It’s not a style, it’s a global state of mind. We’ve made a lifestyle out of being interesting, and holding onto perennial past-times that may or may not have been a part of our pasts. It’s the gesture of respect to our elders that they’ve been begging us for their entire lives. 

Be thankful though, because for once, intelligence, cleverness, morality, fairness, tolerance, and the balls to be whatever religion, sex, sexuality, or political standing that we want, at any age, at any event, in any school, in any workplace, and in front of whomever we choose… is cool.

Socially awesome experiment was a success! What girl wouldn’t want to be tied up with neck ties? [Blindfolded/ Hands above head/ knees hanging up/ laying on her back]

I did.

The end.

Life has the funniest way of making Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X. Not sure if that applies, but I’ll go with it. And so again, through another’s experience from the other side of the equation, we learn that “You’re not always your type’s type.”

And I’m too much of a pussy to tell him. Why do I have to carry his guilt? Because someone has to feel it, and it’s clearly not going to be him.